Those who know me best realize that I am very skeptical about new medications, no matter the intent of the drug. This is a result of over a decade of my youth spent in an iatrogenic fog of side effects from various treatments for a very serious neurological disorder.
Those who have worked with me over the past decade or so know that I'm also very passionate about reading the fine print for new agreements and projects. "Read before you sign" is my mantra. The extra time now is worth it to avoid pain later. ("Measure twice, cut once.")
It is with these principles in mind that I began a cautiously optimistic relationship with the diet drug Alli. Having read through the fine print and having deemed the potential gastrointestinal side-effects as nothing to worry about (how could I possibly tell--I have issues with my digestive system anyway!), I embarked on this new diet adventure.
It has been a week and a half.
So far, I've gotten through the holidays, not quite glutting myself on holiday fare as the fine print clearly mentions that it is very important to limit fat intake if you want to avoid major gastrointestinal distress. I'm "down" 0.3 lbs, which is nothing for a week and a half. But if you take into account my "normal" ingestion of food (not glutting, but also not "dieting"), and my "normal" activity levels (nothing above a ~350 calorie elliptical workout daily with several days of rest interspersed therein), the progress is great.
The pros: Alli is FDA-approved. Alli is not speed.
The cons: When I do experience the side effects (when I've had too much fat and Alli is clearly meant to handle a certain level of fat intake), they are pretty disturbing. Thankfully, this only happened once.
The trick now is to self-regulate. There's a happy medium somewhere here, and I mean to find it. Happy Holidays, Introverts.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Friday, September 30, 2016
Juggling (One-Handed) While Riding a Unicycle, Barefoot
Setting limits is incredibly important for all Introverts.
Setting reasonable limits is crucial for pretty much everyone's health
(both physical and mental!).
Limit #1: I decided to cancel my enrollment in a Meditation class this semester. It was going to meet on Tuesdays each week, and as a Potsdam Lions Club member, that didn't make a lot of sense...Lions Club and Lions Board Meetings are all on Tuesdays...leaving approximately 1-2 Tuesdays of the class per month.
Limit #2: I've made an executive decision to disagree with one of the specialist referrals I've been given by my primary care provider. Currently, let's see, I've got three active specialists on my medical case in the immediate Potsdam area, one in Canton, and one way out in Malone. I seriously do not need to add one in Watertown, and certainly not for the reasons given by my care provider. The Watertown specialist would be nearly the same specialty as the one in Canton. No. My bucks stop here (ha, ha). Seriously, who has the time to do all of this stuff?
Limit #3: I've been very clear with my service club that I am Vice President this year with an eye on being President of the club next year so long as I can get assistance with (and eventually discontinue running) my major fundraisers with the club. Service to my community is awesome! Service to my community at the expense of my mental health is not awesome.
Limit #4: Crafts will happen weekly, if not daily. Crafting is awesome, crafting is everywhere! And crafting does not have to take much time at all.
Be well, fellow Introverts!
Limit #1: I decided to cancel my enrollment in a Meditation class this semester. It was going to meet on Tuesdays each week, and as a Potsdam Lions Club member, that didn't make a lot of sense...Lions Club and Lions Board Meetings are all on Tuesdays...leaving approximately 1-2 Tuesdays of the class per month.
Limit #2: I've made an executive decision to disagree with one of the specialist referrals I've been given by my primary care provider. Currently, let's see, I've got three active specialists on my medical case in the immediate Potsdam area, one in Canton, and one way out in Malone. I seriously do not need to add one in Watertown, and certainly not for the reasons given by my care provider. The Watertown specialist would be nearly the same specialty as the one in Canton. No. My bucks stop here (ha, ha). Seriously, who has the time to do all of this stuff?
Limit #3: I've been very clear with my service club that I am Vice President this year with an eye on being President of the club next year so long as I can get assistance with (and eventually discontinue running) my major fundraisers with the club. Service to my community is awesome! Service to my community at the expense of my mental health is not awesome.
Limit #4: Crafts will happen weekly, if not daily. Crafting is awesome, crafting is everywhere! And crafting does not have to take much time at all.
Be well, fellow Introverts!
Friday, September 9, 2016
Nine-Eleven
I have not been able to bring myself to go to Ground Zero or to monuments erected for nine-eleven. It's been fifteen years, but the pain is still tender. Shortly after the actual date, I did light candles in New York City at one of the picture-walls. Very shortly after the actual date is when I moved away, and I wasn't certain whether I'd ever move back.
Nine-eleven is the first and only time I've ever heard my father cry. Nine-eleven was THE reason that I stopped talking about moving out west to make my own way and did it (2001-2007, Seattle area of Washington State). Nine-eleven galvanized the nation. Some of the responses to 9/11 scared the living heck out of me. Some of the responses made me super-proud that we can all act like human beings and help each other in times of crisis.
In a box in our attic, I still have a copy of the first and only "EXTRA" edition of any newspaper that I have ever gotten in my life. I've memorized the picture and the caption, and most of the story. Living in Westchester in September of 2001, I was a secretary in a White Plains branch of MetLife Small Business. My father thought that I was in one of the buildings. Because phones weren't working in the tristate-area for a long time after the actual events of that morning, my dad didn't reach me or my sister until much later. I wasn't able to reach my friends until much later. We all just worried for the longest time. And waited. And prayed.
Stories are important. Even if (and sometimes, specifically because) they are uncomfortable to discuss, it is crucial that we continue to talk about them.
Nine-eleven is the first and only time I've ever heard my father cry. Nine-eleven was THE reason that I stopped talking about moving out west to make my own way and did it (2001-2007, Seattle area of Washington State). Nine-eleven galvanized the nation. Some of the responses to 9/11 scared the living heck out of me. Some of the responses made me super-proud that we can all act like human beings and help each other in times of crisis.
In a box in our attic, I still have a copy of the first and only "EXTRA" edition of any newspaper that I have ever gotten in my life. I've memorized the picture and the caption, and most of the story. Living in Westchester in September of 2001, I was a secretary in a White Plains branch of MetLife Small Business. My father thought that I was in one of the buildings. Because phones weren't working in the tristate-area for a long time after the actual events of that morning, my dad didn't reach me or my sister until much later. I wasn't able to reach my friends until much later. We all just worried for the longest time. And waited. And prayed.
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| A Service for 9/11 Had to Be Held in St. Pat's Cathedral |
Stories are important. Even if (and sometimes, specifically because) they are uncomfortable to discuss, it is crucial that we continue to talk about them.
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| Sometimes All You Can Do is Hold a Vigil |
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
The Final Countdown
One of the hardest moments of my co-parenting/step-parenting life is coming up this Friday. As hard as it was to let Brady go grow up and move on with his life as a collegiate adult, I'm now looking at an empty nest at the age of 38.
Letting Kyle go grow up and move on with his life as a collegiate adult is really, really hard because it marks The End of the one-week-on-one-week-off regularly scheduled family time. No longer will we hold Mondays and Wednesdays sacrosanct in the name of family dinners. The only remaining vestige of that time will be the occasional glimpse of Quintin (my boys' brother through their mum).
Everyone tells me that this should be easier because Kyle is going to SUNY Potsdam, but I disagree. When Brady went to SUNY Potsdam, we didn't constantly hear from him. We heard from him about the same amount that you'd hear from a child going to school across the state. This is normal, expected, and healthy. Brady is also an Extrovert. Kyle, on the other hand, is an Introvert. I worry that we won't hear from him much at all in comparison to Brady. I worry about the transition to college for him, since it was so difficult for me (his fellow Introvert and Stepmother). I simply worry.
Romeyn and I have planned a trip to see my mom this weekend. The trip serves two purposes: 1. Since we'll be moving Kyle into college on Friday, it'll be nice to be out of town and not in our Empty Nest for the first night; and 2. We'll spend some time playing Scrabble with Mom (and perhaps Jess and Bryce if they're free and wish to do so!).
There will also be ample time to play at Art and other forms of parallel play (very Introvert friendly stuff, that).
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Letting Kyle go grow up and move on with his life as a collegiate adult is really, really hard because it marks The End of the one-week-on-one-week-off regularly scheduled family time. No longer will we hold Mondays and Wednesdays sacrosanct in the name of family dinners. The only remaining vestige of that time will be the occasional glimpse of Quintin (my boys' brother through their mum).
Everyone tells me that this should be easier because Kyle is going to SUNY Potsdam, but I disagree. When Brady went to SUNY Potsdam, we didn't constantly hear from him. We heard from him about the same amount that you'd hear from a child going to school across the state. This is normal, expected, and healthy. Brady is also an Extrovert. Kyle, on the other hand, is an Introvert. I worry that we won't hear from him much at all in comparison to Brady. I worry about the transition to college for him, since it was so difficult for me (his fellow Introvert and Stepmother). I simply worry.
Romeyn and I have planned a trip to see my mom this weekend. The trip serves two purposes: 1. Since we'll be moving Kyle into college on Friday, it'll be nice to be out of town and not in our Empty Nest for the first night; and 2. We'll spend some time playing Scrabble with Mom (and perhaps Jess and Bryce if they're free and wish to do so!).
There will also be ample time to play at Art and other forms of parallel play (very Introvert friendly stuff, that).
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (TRBBT)
I've recently been burned rather severely by the bureaucratic machinations of health insurance. Several appointments, once made, could not be kept.
Coverage for some types of providers seems to be dynamic--ever changing, unstable, volatile, and untrustworthy. The metaphor that springs to mind every time that I receive a new and interesting Explanation of Benefits (EOB) is a monster--a giant bureaucratic beast, all hairy arms and big teeth. Rather than beating my breast or playing supplicant to the beast in a suitably melodramatic "hair shirt," I've chosen to arm myself with knowledge and humor.
Knowledge is perfect armor and a wonderful lance to lob at the beast. My care provider refers me to a doctor and I double check the data. Everyone wins. Even the health insurance company is happy to be a part of this cycle of information, because it does push my specialist appointments out further, meaning that costs to my health insurance company get billed at a later date.
Humor is essential, because without it I would quite literally scream and shout. I have decided that Health Insurance Bureaucracy is a beast. Specifically, it is the bureaucratically-referenced beast from Douglas Adams's "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." In short, it is The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. If we turn this into an acronym, it is TRBBT. If we pronounce the acronym as a word and not as the names of its individual letters, the beast is named "Tribbit."
I am off to do further battle with Tribbit. Join me, my fellow Introverts, as we silently scour the internet for further knowledge to lob at the fearsome beast...
Coverage for some types of providers seems to be dynamic--ever changing, unstable, volatile, and untrustworthy. The metaphor that springs to mind every time that I receive a new and interesting Explanation of Benefits (EOB) is a monster--a giant bureaucratic beast, all hairy arms and big teeth. Rather than beating my breast or playing supplicant to the beast in a suitably melodramatic "hair shirt," I've chosen to arm myself with knowledge and humor.
Knowledge is perfect armor and a wonderful lance to lob at the beast. My care provider refers me to a doctor and I double check the data. Everyone wins. Even the health insurance company is happy to be a part of this cycle of information, because it does push my specialist appointments out further, meaning that costs to my health insurance company get billed at a later date.
Humor is essential, because without it I would quite literally scream and shout. I have decided that Health Insurance Bureaucracy is a beast. Specifically, it is the bureaucratically-referenced beast from Douglas Adams's "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." In short, it is The Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. If we turn this into an acronym, it is TRBBT. If we pronounce the acronym as a word and not as the names of its individual letters, the beast is named "Tribbit."
I am off to do further battle with Tribbit. Join me, my fellow Introverts, as we silently scour the internet for further knowledge to lob at the fearsome beast...
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
Remember to Breathe
Cats are fantastic instructors in the art of Self-Care. Here are a few lessons from Trouble and Pumpkin:
1. Yawn like you mean it---breathe unabashedly and mightily.
2. Take the time to stretch, and take your time while stretching. There is no use in relaxation if you do not make the time to enjoy it.
3. Take frequent naps.
4. Run like the wind, for absolutely no reason at all.
5. Don't stay in the same position all day. True relaxation takes work, and re-positioning.
6. Take pride in your appearance. A well-groomed kitty is appreciated by all!
7. When you make a mistake, move on. Don't obsess.
8. Be observant, but not hyper-vigilant. After all, it's not every moment of the day that you hear a sudden noise and perk up your ears.
9. Play every day.
10. Take the opportunities when they arise. Doors don't always open, but when they do, you can get a great new view of the world!
1. Yawn like you mean it---breathe unabashedly and mightily.
2. Take the time to stretch, and take your time while stretching. There is no use in relaxation if you do not make the time to enjoy it.
3. Take frequent naps.
4. Run like the wind, for absolutely no reason at all.
5. Don't stay in the same position all day. True relaxation takes work, and re-positioning.
6. Take pride in your appearance. A well-groomed kitty is appreciated by all!
7. When you make a mistake, move on. Don't obsess.
8. Be observant, but not hyper-vigilant. After all, it's not every moment of the day that you hear a sudden noise and perk up your ears.
9. Play every day.
10. Take the opportunities when they arise. Doors don't always open, but when they do, you can get a great new view of the world!
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| Trouble: "Put the laptop down and pet me." |
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| Pumpkin: "I was sitting on your lap. Don't get up!" |
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
In The Trenches
I'm at medical appointment 2 out of 3 today, and 3 out of 5 this week. We're all somewhat familiar with the "Hurry Up And Wait" nature of medical appointments. I tend to bring my laptop with me so that I can be productive, catch up on email and Facebook, and try to make the most of the down time that would normally be filled with anxiety ("What's wrong with me NOW???").
One of my appointments was interrupted this morning due to someone else's emergency. On one hand, such is life...on the other hand, it places more delay into the mix, and involves someone else being in medical trouble.
I try to take care of myself, but there are so many factors at work here. There's a dearth of time (the time-dearth continuum). A paucity of time to pause (a pause-paucity). I love to spend time with family and friends, but part of me will continually resent so many plans having to be in place. I wouldn't be a hermit if allowed, but I would definitely be somewhat more reclusive.
After this appointment, I head back to work (which I normally love). Today, I wish I could just be in the woods with a book and a blanket. Especially right now.
One of my appointments was interrupted this morning due to someone else's emergency. On one hand, such is life...on the other hand, it places more delay into the mix, and involves someone else being in medical trouble.
I try to take care of myself, but there are so many factors at work here. There's a dearth of time (the time-dearth continuum). A paucity of time to pause (a pause-paucity). I love to spend time with family and friends, but part of me will continually resent so many plans having to be in place. I wouldn't be a hermit if allowed, but I would definitely be somewhat more reclusive.
After this appointment, I head back to work (which I normally love). Today, I wish I could just be in the woods with a book and a blanket. Especially right now.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Putting Off Needle-Work and Machinery
I drive my doctors a bit batty because I procrastinate with impunity when it comes to the completion of labs and scans. To say that my medical history is a bit awkward would be like saying that The Golden Gate Bridge is a bit orange.
Some of the more heinous medical issues that I've experienced started between the ages of six and ten. I have vivid memories of clutching a teddy bear and being promised ice cream if I would just sit still for a moment while being poked, prodded, and drained of small amounts of blood via very large needles. This happened almost monthly. Although I'm stoic when I go in to get phlebotomized (blood work) as an adult, it's still reminiscent of a time that is best long forgotten.
This week and next are chock full of medical appointments and testing...and I can't put it off any longer. It drives *me* a little batty when colleagues wonder why I am so busy all of the time. Between my medical issues, family obligations, work, and the few moments that I take as mine...very little time is left. Let me say this once (and hopefully, I won't have to say it often): Relative youth does not equal an unlimited amount of time and energy for volunteerism and favors. I'm happy to help when I can...but I'm (respectfully) clear about the issue when I'm unable to assist.
Setting limits is important. Judging another person for setting those limits should not be an acceptable practice.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Some of the more heinous medical issues that I've experienced started between the ages of six and ten. I have vivid memories of clutching a teddy bear and being promised ice cream if I would just sit still for a moment while being poked, prodded, and drained of small amounts of blood via very large needles. This happened almost monthly. Although I'm stoic when I go in to get phlebotomized (blood work) as an adult, it's still reminiscent of a time that is best long forgotten.
This week and next are chock full of medical appointments and testing...and I can't put it off any longer. It drives *me* a little batty when colleagues wonder why I am so busy all of the time. Between my medical issues, family obligations, work, and the few moments that I take as mine...very little time is left. Let me say this once (and hopefully, I won't have to say it often): Relative youth does not equal an unlimited amount of time and energy for volunteerism and favors. I'm happy to help when I can...but I'm (respectfully) clear about the issue when I'm unable to assist.
Setting limits is important. Judging another person for setting those limits should not be an acceptable practice.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Moving Right Along
This morning, I caught the tail end of a story on NPR about managing medical care when you have a chronic condition. To say that managing medical care (coordinating between insurance coverage and multiple doctors) is no picnic is an understatement. This is a story to which a lot of us can personally relate.
Living with Major Depression is *absolutely* no picnic, but it is chemical and biological in nature, which allows me to accept that it is not a character defect. The de-stigmatization of mental illness is a personal passion--trust me when I say that I have been discriminated against on the basis of my condition, many times over. A combination of medication and CBT (a specific type of counseling) is the best combination of treatments for me. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to keep the CBT going on a consistent basis.
When a person has migraines, they begin to know their triggers inside and out...making sure that allergies are addressed (avoiding allergens altogether or taking medicine for them), sunglasses are used in the sun and adequate water is taken with them everywhere that they go. Similarly, when a person has Major Depression, triggers are known intimately. I avoid certain types of plots in movies and TV shows. When major life events are about to happen (family surgeries, graduations, weddings, births, funerals), I have a "to-go" kit of things that help. Knitting is a big item in the kit, as well as coloring books, novels, and music. I try to remain aware of emotional eating and drinking, and I keep a journal close by.
The past few months have been rife with major life events. With that in mind, I am swimming right along and moving right along with the twists and turns of fate. My most recent efforts have centered around finding a new counselor...something I have been working at for almost a full year. Finding and keeping a counselor is very difficult when one lives in the North Country of New York. I've had counselors retire, change practices and insurance coverage, move out of the area, and my personal favorite---drop me entirely without adequate notice or a plan for continued care.
I am lucky to have a wonderful family--a supportive spouse and two understanding stepsons. Without their love and support I would struggle a lot more with the issue of continued care. However, the expectation in this region *should* be one of consistent and continued care, without the added hurdles of spending hours on the phone attempting to coordinate services.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Living with Major Depression is *absolutely* no picnic, but it is chemical and biological in nature, which allows me to accept that it is not a character defect. The de-stigmatization of mental illness is a personal passion--trust me when I say that I have been discriminated against on the basis of my condition, many times over. A combination of medication and CBT (a specific type of counseling) is the best combination of treatments for me. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to keep the CBT going on a consistent basis.
When a person has migraines, they begin to know their triggers inside and out...making sure that allergies are addressed (avoiding allergens altogether or taking medicine for them), sunglasses are used in the sun and adequate water is taken with them everywhere that they go. Similarly, when a person has Major Depression, triggers are known intimately. I avoid certain types of plots in movies and TV shows. When major life events are about to happen (family surgeries, graduations, weddings, births, funerals), I have a "to-go" kit of things that help. Knitting is a big item in the kit, as well as coloring books, novels, and music. I try to remain aware of emotional eating and drinking, and I keep a journal close by.
The past few months have been rife with major life events. With that in mind, I am swimming right along and moving right along with the twists and turns of fate. My most recent efforts have centered around finding a new counselor...something I have been working at for almost a full year. Finding and keeping a counselor is very difficult when one lives in the North Country of New York. I've had counselors retire, change practices and insurance coverage, move out of the area, and my personal favorite---drop me entirely without adequate notice or a plan for continued care.
I am lucky to have a wonderful family--a supportive spouse and two understanding stepsons. Without their love and support I would struggle a lot more with the issue of continued care. However, the expectation in this region *should* be one of consistent and continued care, without the added hurdles of spending hours on the phone attempting to coordinate services.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Better Home and Garden, and Ram Dass
One of my favorite books of all time is "How Can I Help?" by Ram Dass and Paul Gorman. It's a bird's eye view of the natures and passions that sway an individual's drive to assist other beings in the world. The book was given to me by a dear friend during a very difficult time in my life, right before moving home to New York State.
There are so many wonderful points in the book, some more amusing than helpful (ironically). But the best (and the most memorable to me) was a little allegory about a wise man who refused to wear pants in his hut. Everyone went to the wise man for assistance because he was so self-assured (and presumably, a sage). However, his disciples wondered why he refused to wear pants in his hut. His answer (paraphrased): 'You are in my hut. My hut serves as my pants. I am comfortable here as I am, and you have sought me out.' The moral that I took away from that story was simple--those who are most comfortable with themselves wind up being perceived as wise (with the wherewithal to truly listen to others), and comfort with one's self does mean making others uncomfortable from time to time.
Another moral of that story is that we are in the best place to help others when we have addressed our own needs (Maslow's Hierarchy speaks to that as well).
This week has been about caring for my space, my mind-space, and my restfulness. I believe this activity has made me a better partner to Romeyn in the process, as well as a better friend, better worker, and better person.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
There are so many wonderful points in the book, some more amusing than helpful (ironically). But the best (and the most memorable to me) was a little allegory about a wise man who refused to wear pants in his hut. Everyone went to the wise man for assistance because he was so self-assured (and presumably, a sage). However, his disciples wondered why he refused to wear pants in his hut. His answer (paraphrased): 'You are in my hut. My hut serves as my pants. I am comfortable here as I am, and you have sought me out.' The moral that I took away from that story was simple--those who are most comfortable with themselves wind up being perceived as wise (with the wherewithal to truly listen to others), and comfort with one's self does mean making others uncomfortable from time to time.
Another moral of that story is that we are in the best place to help others when we have addressed our own needs (Maslow's Hierarchy speaks to that as well).
This week has been about caring for my space, my mind-space, and my restfulness. I believe this activity has made me a better partner to Romeyn in the process, as well as a better friend, better worker, and better person.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Religion Is, or Is Not
I'm a big believer in The Golden Rule. It seems to be the basic tenet of most major religions, at least down at the very root of them. For years, I wasn't sure what religion I wanted to espouse. Frankly, it's still a mystery. I've joined a number of churches as well as some other places of gathering/worship during the course of my life. One of my favorite exchanges in the movie "Harold and Maude" just about sums it up for me:
Harold: "Do you pray?"
Maude: "Pray? No...I communicate."
Harold: "With God?"
Maude: "With life!"
There's a difference between Atheism and Agnosticism. My belief system is amorphous in that I do not believe I know enough of the world to define a god. However, I have absolutely no interest in this belief being right for anyone but me.
Another favorite quote (from an acquaintance of my mother, back in the eighties):
"I don't know if there is a Heaven or Hell. I do know that we can make Heaven or Hell for ourselves here on Earth."
My great grandfather on my mother's side wrote a book about the function of religion. I studied some of the religions of the world during my Undergraduate program, as well as during my Graduate program (religion being one of the very first forms of government).
Religion has so many benefits, and it enables groups to do some excellent works for the public good. It also requires faith in specific principles, precepts and histories. It is this requirement that I cannot keep. No religion seems to fit the bill.
So, the earth is my cathedral. I do pray/communicate, but generally not indoors. In the words of a yogi that I met in Albany in 1998, "Love is all there is." No one need share one's viewpoint of the world.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Harold: "Do you pray?"
Maude: "Pray? No...I communicate."
Harold: "With God?"
Maude: "With life!"
There's a difference between Atheism and Agnosticism. My belief system is amorphous in that I do not believe I know enough of the world to define a god. However, I have absolutely no interest in this belief being right for anyone but me.
Another favorite quote (from an acquaintance of my mother, back in the eighties):
"I don't know if there is a Heaven or Hell. I do know that we can make Heaven or Hell for ourselves here on Earth."
My great grandfather on my mother's side wrote a book about the function of religion. I studied some of the religions of the world during my Undergraduate program, as well as during my Graduate program (religion being one of the very first forms of government).
Religion has so many benefits, and it enables groups to do some excellent works for the public good. It also requires faith in specific principles, precepts and histories. It is this requirement that I cannot keep. No religion seems to fit the bill.
So, the earth is my cathedral. I do pray/communicate, but generally not indoors. In the words of a yogi that I met in Albany in 1998, "Love is all there is." No one need share one's viewpoint of the world.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Impending "Empty Nest"
In late August of this year, Kyle will move into college. My younger stepson usually spends one week with us, and one week with his mom on an alternating schedule. Dinner plans are relatively static. He's with us for dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays regardless of the week, barring circumstances that necessitate changing this schedule on the fly.
My elder stepson (Brady) has been effectively gone from our house for five years. I cried at his High School graduation party, and I anticipate doing so at Kyle's party as well. It is right that children grow up and leave the home to experience life and new adventures. Since I've really only known my boys since they were 10 and 15 years of age (respectively), it's just so hard to let go.
Kyle will graduate from High School in three weeks. He'll move into college at the end of the summer. Brady will return to his graduate studies in Binghamton after a wonderful summer in Pennsylvania. The house will be empty. Our house. Our little family's house. This is the house that the boys grew up in, that I was happy to move into and join as the newest member of our unit in 2009. The swing set is gone from the backyard, the bag of outdoor toys gathering dust in our basement. The leftover decorations from past birthday celebrations are up in the attic.
No one is perfect--no adult, no teen, no child, no babe in arms. Everyone tries their best and muddles through situations as they arise. The crux of the matter for me (the matter of life, I guess) is that I've only known my boys (really known them) for eight years. I've been a part of their family for seven years. Such a wonderful part of my life is winding down. I suppose that I'm as ready as I will ever be. As a friend once said, "How wonderful that you feel this way about the children in your life. Not every stepparent or stepchild is so lucky."
How true.
My elder stepson (Brady) has been effectively gone from our house for five years. I cried at his High School graduation party, and I anticipate doing so at Kyle's party as well. It is right that children grow up and leave the home to experience life and new adventures. Since I've really only known my boys since they were 10 and 15 years of age (respectively), it's just so hard to let go.
Kyle will graduate from High School in three weeks. He'll move into college at the end of the summer. Brady will return to his graduate studies in Binghamton after a wonderful summer in Pennsylvania. The house will be empty. Our house. Our little family's house. This is the house that the boys grew up in, that I was happy to move into and join as the newest member of our unit in 2009. The swing set is gone from the backyard, the bag of outdoor toys gathering dust in our basement. The leftover decorations from past birthday celebrations are up in the attic.
No one is perfect--no adult, no teen, no child, no babe in arms. Everyone tries their best and muddles through situations as they arise. The crux of the matter for me (the matter of life, I guess) is that I've only known my boys (really known them) for eight years. I've been a part of their family for seven years. Such a wonderful part of my life is winding down. I suppose that I'm as ready as I will ever be. As a friend once said, "How wonderful that you feel this way about the children in your life. Not every stepparent or stepchild is so lucky."
How true.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
We Wish You a Neuro-Typical Hallmark Occasion
As some of you may be aware, the month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month. If I have been seen wearing more than my fair share of green, that's the awareness color for mental health and suicide prevention. May and June are full of occasions for everyone, but particularly for my family: My sister's birthday, Mother's Day, my birthday, Father's Day, and my wedding Anniversary.
In the interest of continuing the hope and prayer that someday, mental health issues will be recognized as physical ailments and not a reason for stigma--this Introvert is coming out of the closet. I have clinical depression, and there are things that send me on a spiral during this time of year.
Now don't get me wrong...this time of year is wonderful! But it does send me on a hormonal/chemical/emotional roller-coaster. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up up up! Neither my sister, nor I, have a "normal" family structure. We didn't grow up with a normal family structure (bi-coastal parents, reblended into a SuperFamily), and as adults I am married into a SuperBlend and my sister is going through the wringer in the mission to have a child.
I have had, and I continue to have, some of the same medical issues that my sister has been facing for years. Although I talk about making the conscious decision not to procreate (which I still think was totally the right call for me, for other reasons), the reality is that my thirty-something body was not fertility-friendly. I didn't want to face the issue and fight it. My sister was much, much, much stronger than me in this regard. I'm cheerleading for her to find her FutureBaby (she's going through the adoption process, which is full of its own harrowing perseverances).
This time of year makes me think deeply about the meaning of family. This is also the most sought-after visitation time for all members of my DoubleWhammoSuperBlend. As an Introvert, the perception of pressure (real or imagined) makes me want to curl up with my cats and a book. It makes me want to ignore my phone and simply exist. In short, it makes me anti-technology (sorry, husband!).
In the past I certainly haven't been shy about the difficulties I face every year, on or about this time of year. But I think that it's best just to come out in full technicolor and say it: Hallmark, get your act together and come up with more realistic cards, celebrating the full range of The American Family. Come up with a name for family members who are thus far unnamed but exist semi-ubiquitously. Down with "We Wish You a Neuro-Typical Occasion!" and up with "We Wish You a Great Occasion!"
You're missing out on a great market for the non-typicals, if you can even call us that! :)
In the interest of continuing the hope and prayer that someday, mental health issues will be recognized as physical ailments and not a reason for stigma--this Introvert is coming out of the closet. I have clinical depression, and there are things that send me on a spiral during this time of year.
Now don't get me wrong...this time of year is wonderful! But it does send me on a hormonal/chemical/emotional roller-coaster. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up up up! Neither my sister, nor I, have a "normal" family structure. We didn't grow up with a normal family structure (bi-coastal parents, reblended into a SuperFamily), and as adults I am married into a SuperBlend and my sister is going through the wringer in the mission to have a child.
I have had, and I continue to have, some of the same medical issues that my sister has been facing for years. Although I talk about making the conscious decision not to procreate (which I still think was totally the right call for me, for other reasons), the reality is that my thirty-something body was not fertility-friendly. I didn't want to face the issue and fight it. My sister was much, much, much stronger than me in this regard. I'm cheerleading for her to find her FutureBaby (she's going through the adoption process, which is full of its own harrowing perseverances).
This time of year makes me think deeply about the meaning of family. This is also the most sought-after visitation time for all members of my DoubleWhammoSuperBlend. As an Introvert, the perception of pressure (real or imagined) makes me want to curl up with my cats and a book. It makes me want to ignore my phone and simply exist. In short, it makes me anti-technology (sorry, husband!).
In the past I certainly haven't been shy about the difficulties I face every year, on or about this time of year. But I think that it's best just to come out in full technicolor and say it: Hallmark, get your act together and come up with more realistic cards, celebrating the full range of The American Family. Come up with a name for family members who are thus far unnamed but exist semi-ubiquitously. Down with "We Wish You a Neuro-Typical Occasion!" and up with "We Wish You a Great Occasion!"
You're missing out on a great market for the non-typicals, if you can even call us that! :)
Monday, March 21, 2016
Yesterday's Retail Therapy
Normally, shopping would just about drive me bat-guano (and stark-raving) nuts. First of all, clothing stores have a nasty habit of being cluttered and claustrophobic. Secondly, one begins to feel like a bumper car with the crush of people on all sides. Lastly (but not least-ly), unless you happen to have a "perfect" body, there is an element of masochism to figuring out what size fits best on your body in each brand.
The upside to shopping is that the budget-minded professional in me luxuriates in finding a real bargain. When I say "real bargain," I mean getting a $100 outfit for $10, or getting a bunch of $100 outfits for $100 total.
I recently met and got to know a kindred spirit. She and I have similar philosophies of living, and a ton of things in common. When we talk about going shopping, I light up a bit, like a "normal" female. We can make fun of horrible fashions! We can try on outfits and say NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! We can both gravitate to the same dress and then quickly check with each other to make sure it's copacetic to be "Twinsies!" Yay!
Now, I love hanging out with my friend no matter what. But the fact that she's turned shopping from a somewhat odious task into something fun and restorative speaks volumes. :)
Hooray for yesterday!
Be well, fellow Introverts!
The upside to shopping is that the budget-minded professional in me luxuriates in finding a real bargain. When I say "real bargain," I mean getting a $100 outfit for $10, or getting a bunch of $100 outfits for $100 total.
I recently met and got to know a kindred spirit. She and I have similar philosophies of living, and a ton of things in common. When we talk about going shopping, I light up a bit, like a "normal" female. We can make fun of horrible fashions! We can try on outfits and say NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! We can both gravitate to the same dress and then quickly check with each other to make sure it's copacetic to be "Twinsies!" Yay!
Now, I love hanging out with my friend no matter what. But the fact that she's turned shopping from a somewhat odious task into something fun and restorative speaks volumes. :)
Hooray for yesterday!
Be well, fellow Introverts!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Busy Little Bee
As I keep saying to my long-suffering husband, I need to hand in my Introvert Card. Lately, I've been all about volunteerism, game nights, and movie nights. The color of my GoogleCal entries is purple. Lately, when I check the calendar it's covered in little purple rectangles. (I promptly get deja-vu for Rothko at The MoMA.)
There is something peaceful and basic about knowing the bulk of one's path. Even if I were to be dismissed from my position, I would still know What I Love To Do. My younger stepson is lucky enough to have known exactly what lights him up in the way of practical, real-world work since the age of 15. I know a grand total of three people in that boat. It took me until my mid-twenties to figure out my path, and it took me until age 29 to make it a functional reality.
Romance was a great deal more difficult for me. I've discussed this at length in a prior posting. I try not to toot my horn too much about being happy with my mate. We're not conflict-free, but we listen to one another. Love is joy AND love is hard work. One of the best pieces of marital advice I've ever received was from my friend Jenny: "Sweetie, you go down the aisle with a lover/friend and you go back up the aisle with a relative." I love thinking of it that way. Romeyn and I continue to have honeymoon-worthy moments of bliss, and we weather the difficult stuff pretty damn well too.
If I were to pick one Introvert Activity for which I desperately need MORE time...it would be knitting. I want to do more creative knitting, now that I've mastered a few distinct (and not uncomplicated) patterns. It's such a calming and repetitive motion. The results of this endeavor are immediately tangible, and it's not as messy as things get when I paint.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
There is something peaceful and basic about knowing the bulk of one's path. Even if I were to be dismissed from my position, I would still know What I Love To Do. My younger stepson is lucky enough to have known exactly what lights him up in the way of practical, real-world work since the age of 15. I know a grand total of three people in that boat. It took me until my mid-twenties to figure out my path, and it took me until age 29 to make it a functional reality.
Romance was a great deal more difficult for me. I've discussed this at length in a prior posting. I try not to toot my horn too much about being happy with my mate. We're not conflict-free, but we listen to one another. Love is joy AND love is hard work. One of the best pieces of marital advice I've ever received was from my friend Jenny: "Sweetie, you go down the aisle with a lover/friend and you go back up the aisle with a relative." I love thinking of it that way. Romeyn and I continue to have honeymoon-worthy moments of bliss, and we weather the difficult stuff pretty damn well too.
If I were to pick one Introvert Activity for which I desperately need MORE time...it would be knitting. I want to do more creative knitting, now that I've mastered a few distinct (and not uncomplicated) patterns. It's such a calming and repetitive motion. The results of this endeavor are immediately tangible, and it's not as messy as things get when I paint.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Unreality!
It still blows my mind to a huge extent that I get to use my MPA in my new job. I have soooo much fun crunching numbers with an eye on quarterly spending targets. First theorizing and then confirming the whys and wherefores is a special treat.
Lately, however, the treat has doubled. I'm working on something to be published for the college, and that includes elements of number-crunchiness as well as design. I'm working in Illustrator and InDesign. I'm *supposed* to do it! It's my job. This seems like a total unreality to me, specifically because it means that I'm using both of my degrees at the same time.
The timing is excellent. In a few weeks, Romeyn and I are headed to the Student Leadership Conference dinner. Every year that I attend this function, I am asked about my undergraduate degree. Every year, I answer that I am the oddball in my family. Surrounded by a family of artists and musicians, I adore numbers, even though my Bachelor's degree is in Studio Art. I am asked again, "Do you use your undergraduate degree?" And I reply: I paint and draw all of the time, just no art for work.
Now art is part of work. More importantly, it's part of the job that I already love for other, unrelated reasons. I can't wait for the conference. There are very few social gatherings for which I can honestly say, "I can't wait!"
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Lately, however, the treat has doubled. I'm working on something to be published for the college, and that includes elements of number-crunchiness as well as design. I'm working in Illustrator and InDesign. I'm *supposed* to do it! It's my job. This seems like a total unreality to me, specifically because it means that I'm using both of my degrees at the same time.
The timing is excellent. In a few weeks, Romeyn and I are headed to the Student Leadership Conference dinner. Every year that I attend this function, I am asked about my undergraduate degree. Every year, I answer that I am the oddball in my family. Surrounded by a family of artists and musicians, I adore numbers, even though my Bachelor's degree is in Studio Art. I am asked again, "Do you use your undergraduate degree?" And I reply: I paint and draw all of the time, just no art for work.
Now art is part of work. More importantly, it's part of the job that I already love for other, unrelated reasons. I can't wait for the conference. There are very few social gatherings for which I can honestly say, "I can't wait!"
Be well, fellow Introverts.
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