If you're reading my blog, you're probably already aware that my grandmother (my mother's mother) passed away in December of 2014. I was devastated. We moved mountains to get to both the Rochester (New York) funeral and the Chillicothe (Ohio) funeral. We cried buckets. We saw a great deal of our extended family at the latter funeral. It was briefly proposed that we do a family portrait, but a conscientious family member pointed out that not everyone was there for the Chillicothe event, and that might make them feel left out.
Time out, folks! There are a number of family portraits in which I do not exist. Some of them are due to my schedule, obligations, and life story. Others are due to not having been invited because it was a last-minute event.
There's a third funeral in the works for July of 2015, where my beautiful grandmother's remains will be interred and closure will be gained, this time presumably by the whole family. I loved my grandmother deeply. I want to honor her and be there for her final resting. A deeply insecure part of me (the part of me that is deeply aware of my status as a family Black Sheep) wonders what will happen if I am unable to make it for any reason. I'm guessing there would be another family portrait, and that even if someone spoke up protectively about my absence, the portrait would take place and there would be another beautiful framed photo documenting an event to which I was not in attendance.
Don't get me wrong. This isn't in the least "about me." It is an event that will allow grief and closure for all who loved and knew my beautiful, intelligent grandmother. As someone who has long felt a bit out of place, however, and as an Introvert---there is no good plan when it comes to a third funeral for the same beloved person. Regardless of other considerations, it will still generate pain, loss, exhaustion, and insecurity.
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