One of my favorite books of all time is "How Can I Help?" by Ram Dass and Paul Gorman. It's a bird's eye view of the natures and passions that sway an individual's drive to assist other beings in the world. The book was given to me by a dear friend during a very difficult time in my life, right before moving home to New York State.
There are so many wonderful points in the book, some more amusing than helpful (ironically). But the best (and the most memorable to me) was a little allegory about a wise man who refused to wear pants in his hut. Everyone went to the wise man for assistance because he was so self-assured (and presumably, a sage). However, his disciples wondered why he refused to wear pants in his hut. His answer (paraphrased): 'You are in my hut. My hut serves as my pants. I am comfortable here as I am, and you have sought me out.' The moral that I took away from that story was simple--those who are most comfortable with themselves wind up being perceived as wise (with the wherewithal to truly listen to others), and comfort with one's self does mean making others uncomfortable from time to time.
Another moral of that story is that we are in the best place to help others when we have addressed our own needs (Maslow's Hierarchy speaks to that as well).
This week has been about caring for my space, my mind-space, and my restfulness. I believe this activity has made me a better partner to Romeyn in the process, as well as a better friend, better worker, and better person.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Religion Is, or Is Not
I'm a big believer in The Golden Rule. It seems to be the basic tenet of most major religions, at least down at the very root of them. For years, I wasn't sure what religion I wanted to espouse. Frankly, it's still a mystery. I've joined a number of churches as well as some other places of gathering/worship during the course of my life. One of my favorite exchanges in the movie "Harold and Maude" just about sums it up for me:
Harold: "Do you pray?"
Maude: "Pray? No...I communicate."
Harold: "With God?"
Maude: "With life!"
There's a difference between Atheism and Agnosticism. My belief system is amorphous in that I do not believe I know enough of the world to define a god. However, I have absolutely no interest in this belief being right for anyone but me.
Another favorite quote (from an acquaintance of my mother, back in the eighties):
"I don't know if there is a Heaven or Hell. I do know that we can make Heaven or Hell for ourselves here on Earth."
My great grandfather on my mother's side wrote a book about the function of religion. I studied some of the religions of the world during my Undergraduate program, as well as during my Graduate program (religion being one of the very first forms of government).
Religion has so many benefits, and it enables groups to do some excellent works for the public good. It also requires faith in specific principles, precepts and histories. It is this requirement that I cannot keep. No religion seems to fit the bill.
So, the earth is my cathedral. I do pray/communicate, but generally not indoors. In the words of a yogi that I met in Albany in 1998, "Love is all there is." No one need share one's viewpoint of the world.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Harold: "Do you pray?"
Maude: "Pray? No...I communicate."
Harold: "With God?"
Maude: "With life!"
There's a difference between Atheism and Agnosticism. My belief system is amorphous in that I do not believe I know enough of the world to define a god. However, I have absolutely no interest in this belief being right for anyone but me.
Another favorite quote (from an acquaintance of my mother, back in the eighties):
"I don't know if there is a Heaven or Hell. I do know that we can make Heaven or Hell for ourselves here on Earth."
My great grandfather on my mother's side wrote a book about the function of religion. I studied some of the religions of the world during my Undergraduate program, as well as during my Graduate program (religion being one of the very first forms of government).
Religion has so many benefits, and it enables groups to do some excellent works for the public good. It also requires faith in specific principles, precepts and histories. It is this requirement that I cannot keep. No religion seems to fit the bill.
So, the earth is my cathedral. I do pray/communicate, but generally not indoors. In the words of a yogi that I met in Albany in 1998, "Love is all there is." No one need share one's viewpoint of the world.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
The Impending "Empty Nest"
In late August of this year, Kyle will move into college. My younger stepson usually spends one week with us, and one week with his mom on an alternating schedule. Dinner plans are relatively static. He's with us for dinner on Mondays and Wednesdays regardless of the week, barring circumstances that necessitate changing this schedule on the fly.
My elder stepson (Brady) has been effectively gone from our house for five years. I cried at his High School graduation party, and I anticipate doing so at Kyle's party as well. It is right that children grow up and leave the home to experience life and new adventures. Since I've really only known my boys since they were 10 and 15 years of age (respectively), it's just so hard to let go.
Kyle will graduate from High School in three weeks. He'll move into college at the end of the summer. Brady will return to his graduate studies in Binghamton after a wonderful summer in Pennsylvania. The house will be empty. Our house. Our little family's house. This is the house that the boys grew up in, that I was happy to move into and join as the newest member of our unit in 2009. The swing set is gone from the backyard, the bag of outdoor toys gathering dust in our basement. The leftover decorations from past birthday celebrations are up in the attic.
No one is perfect--no adult, no teen, no child, no babe in arms. Everyone tries their best and muddles through situations as they arise. The crux of the matter for me (the matter of life, I guess) is that I've only known my boys (really known them) for eight years. I've been a part of their family for seven years. Such a wonderful part of my life is winding down. I suppose that I'm as ready as I will ever be. As a friend once said, "How wonderful that you feel this way about the children in your life. Not every stepparent or stepchild is so lucky."
How true.
My elder stepson (Brady) has been effectively gone from our house for five years. I cried at his High School graduation party, and I anticipate doing so at Kyle's party as well. It is right that children grow up and leave the home to experience life and new adventures. Since I've really only known my boys since they were 10 and 15 years of age (respectively), it's just so hard to let go.
Kyle will graduate from High School in three weeks. He'll move into college at the end of the summer. Brady will return to his graduate studies in Binghamton after a wonderful summer in Pennsylvania. The house will be empty. Our house. Our little family's house. This is the house that the boys grew up in, that I was happy to move into and join as the newest member of our unit in 2009. The swing set is gone from the backyard, the bag of outdoor toys gathering dust in our basement. The leftover decorations from past birthday celebrations are up in the attic.
No one is perfect--no adult, no teen, no child, no babe in arms. Everyone tries their best and muddles through situations as they arise. The crux of the matter for me (the matter of life, I guess) is that I've only known my boys (really known them) for eight years. I've been a part of their family for seven years. Such a wonderful part of my life is winding down. I suppose that I'm as ready as I will ever be. As a friend once said, "How wonderful that you feel this way about the children in your life. Not every stepparent or stepchild is so lucky."
How true.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
We Wish You a Neuro-Typical Hallmark Occasion
As some of you may be aware, the month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month. If I have been seen wearing more than my fair share of green, that's the awareness color for mental health and suicide prevention. May and June are full of occasions for everyone, but particularly for my family: My sister's birthday, Mother's Day, my birthday, Father's Day, and my wedding Anniversary.
In the interest of continuing the hope and prayer that someday, mental health issues will be recognized as physical ailments and not a reason for stigma--this Introvert is coming out of the closet. I have clinical depression, and there are things that send me on a spiral during this time of year.
Now don't get me wrong...this time of year is wonderful! But it does send me on a hormonal/chemical/emotional roller-coaster. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up up up! Neither my sister, nor I, have a "normal" family structure. We didn't grow up with a normal family structure (bi-coastal parents, reblended into a SuperFamily), and as adults I am married into a SuperBlend and my sister is going through the wringer in the mission to have a child.
I have had, and I continue to have, some of the same medical issues that my sister has been facing for years. Although I talk about making the conscious decision not to procreate (which I still think was totally the right call for me, for other reasons), the reality is that my thirty-something body was not fertility-friendly. I didn't want to face the issue and fight it. My sister was much, much, much stronger than me in this regard. I'm cheerleading for her to find her FutureBaby (she's going through the adoption process, which is full of its own harrowing perseverances).
This time of year makes me think deeply about the meaning of family. This is also the most sought-after visitation time for all members of my DoubleWhammoSuperBlend. As an Introvert, the perception of pressure (real or imagined) makes me want to curl up with my cats and a book. It makes me want to ignore my phone and simply exist. In short, it makes me anti-technology (sorry, husband!).
In the past I certainly haven't been shy about the difficulties I face every year, on or about this time of year. But I think that it's best just to come out in full technicolor and say it: Hallmark, get your act together and come up with more realistic cards, celebrating the full range of The American Family. Come up with a name for family members who are thus far unnamed but exist semi-ubiquitously. Down with "We Wish You a Neuro-Typical Occasion!" and up with "We Wish You a Great Occasion!"
You're missing out on a great market for the non-typicals, if you can even call us that! :)
In the interest of continuing the hope and prayer that someday, mental health issues will be recognized as physical ailments and not a reason for stigma--this Introvert is coming out of the closet. I have clinical depression, and there are things that send me on a spiral during this time of year.
Now don't get me wrong...this time of year is wonderful! But it does send me on a hormonal/chemical/emotional roller-coaster. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up! I'm down. I'm up up up! Neither my sister, nor I, have a "normal" family structure. We didn't grow up with a normal family structure (bi-coastal parents, reblended into a SuperFamily), and as adults I am married into a SuperBlend and my sister is going through the wringer in the mission to have a child.
I have had, and I continue to have, some of the same medical issues that my sister has been facing for years. Although I talk about making the conscious decision not to procreate (which I still think was totally the right call for me, for other reasons), the reality is that my thirty-something body was not fertility-friendly. I didn't want to face the issue and fight it. My sister was much, much, much stronger than me in this regard. I'm cheerleading for her to find her FutureBaby (she's going through the adoption process, which is full of its own harrowing perseverances).
This time of year makes me think deeply about the meaning of family. This is also the most sought-after visitation time for all members of my DoubleWhammoSuperBlend. As an Introvert, the perception of pressure (real or imagined) makes me want to curl up with my cats and a book. It makes me want to ignore my phone and simply exist. In short, it makes me anti-technology (sorry, husband!).
In the past I certainly haven't been shy about the difficulties I face every year, on or about this time of year. But I think that it's best just to come out in full technicolor and say it: Hallmark, get your act together and come up with more realistic cards, celebrating the full range of The American Family. Come up with a name for family members who are thus far unnamed but exist semi-ubiquitously. Down with "We Wish You a Neuro-Typical Occasion!" and up with "We Wish You a Great Occasion!"
You're missing out on a great market for the non-typicals, if you can even call us that! :)
Monday, March 21, 2016
Yesterday's Retail Therapy
Normally, shopping would just about drive me bat-guano (and stark-raving) nuts. First of all, clothing stores have a nasty habit of being cluttered and claustrophobic. Secondly, one begins to feel like a bumper car with the crush of people on all sides. Lastly (but not least-ly), unless you happen to have a "perfect" body, there is an element of masochism to figuring out what size fits best on your body in each brand.
The upside to shopping is that the budget-minded professional in me luxuriates in finding a real bargain. When I say "real bargain," I mean getting a $100 outfit for $10, or getting a bunch of $100 outfits for $100 total.
I recently met and got to know a kindred spirit. She and I have similar philosophies of living, and a ton of things in common. When we talk about going shopping, I light up a bit, like a "normal" female. We can make fun of horrible fashions! We can try on outfits and say NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! We can both gravitate to the same dress and then quickly check with each other to make sure it's copacetic to be "Twinsies!" Yay!
Now, I love hanging out with my friend no matter what. But the fact that she's turned shopping from a somewhat odious task into something fun and restorative speaks volumes. :)
Hooray for yesterday!
Be well, fellow Introverts!
The upside to shopping is that the budget-minded professional in me luxuriates in finding a real bargain. When I say "real bargain," I mean getting a $100 outfit for $10, or getting a bunch of $100 outfits for $100 total.
I recently met and got to know a kindred spirit. She and I have similar philosophies of living, and a ton of things in common. When we talk about going shopping, I light up a bit, like a "normal" female. We can make fun of horrible fashions! We can try on outfits and say NOPE, NOPE, NOPE, NOPE! We can both gravitate to the same dress and then quickly check with each other to make sure it's copacetic to be "Twinsies!" Yay!
Now, I love hanging out with my friend no matter what. But the fact that she's turned shopping from a somewhat odious task into something fun and restorative speaks volumes. :)
Hooray for yesterday!
Be well, fellow Introverts!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Busy Little Bee
As I keep saying to my long-suffering husband, I need to hand in my Introvert Card. Lately, I've been all about volunteerism, game nights, and movie nights. The color of my GoogleCal entries is purple. Lately, when I check the calendar it's covered in little purple rectangles. (I promptly get deja-vu for Rothko at The MoMA.)
There is something peaceful and basic about knowing the bulk of one's path. Even if I were to be dismissed from my position, I would still know What I Love To Do. My younger stepson is lucky enough to have known exactly what lights him up in the way of practical, real-world work since the age of 15. I know a grand total of three people in that boat. It took me until my mid-twenties to figure out my path, and it took me until age 29 to make it a functional reality.
Romance was a great deal more difficult for me. I've discussed this at length in a prior posting. I try not to toot my horn too much about being happy with my mate. We're not conflict-free, but we listen to one another. Love is joy AND love is hard work. One of the best pieces of marital advice I've ever received was from my friend Jenny: "Sweetie, you go down the aisle with a lover/friend and you go back up the aisle with a relative." I love thinking of it that way. Romeyn and I continue to have honeymoon-worthy moments of bliss, and we weather the difficult stuff pretty damn well too.
If I were to pick one Introvert Activity for which I desperately need MORE time...it would be knitting. I want to do more creative knitting, now that I've mastered a few distinct (and not uncomplicated) patterns. It's such a calming and repetitive motion. The results of this endeavor are immediately tangible, and it's not as messy as things get when I paint.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
There is something peaceful and basic about knowing the bulk of one's path. Even if I were to be dismissed from my position, I would still know What I Love To Do. My younger stepson is lucky enough to have known exactly what lights him up in the way of practical, real-world work since the age of 15. I know a grand total of three people in that boat. It took me until my mid-twenties to figure out my path, and it took me until age 29 to make it a functional reality.
Romance was a great deal more difficult for me. I've discussed this at length in a prior posting. I try not to toot my horn too much about being happy with my mate. We're not conflict-free, but we listen to one another. Love is joy AND love is hard work. One of the best pieces of marital advice I've ever received was from my friend Jenny: "Sweetie, you go down the aisle with a lover/friend and you go back up the aisle with a relative." I love thinking of it that way. Romeyn and I continue to have honeymoon-worthy moments of bliss, and we weather the difficult stuff pretty damn well too.
If I were to pick one Introvert Activity for which I desperately need MORE time...it would be knitting. I want to do more creative knitting, now that I've mastered a few distinct (and not uncomplicated) patterns. It's such a calming and repetitive motion. The results of this endeavor are immediately tangible, and it's not as messy as things get when I paint.
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Friday, January 8, 2016
Unreality!
It still blows my mind to a huge extent that I get to use my MPA in my new job. I have soooo much fun crunching numbers with an eye on quarterly spending targets. First theorizing and then confirming the whys and wherefores is a special treat.
Lately, however, the treat has doubled. I'm working on something to be published for the college, and that includes elements of number-crunchiness as well as design. I'm working in Illustrator and InDesign. I'm *supposed* to do it! It's my job. This seems like a total unreality to me, specifically because it means that I'm using both of my degrees at the same time.
The timing is excellent. In a few weeks, Romeyn and I are headed to the Student Leadership Conference dinner. Every year that I attend this function, I am asked about my undergraduate degree. Every year, I answer that I am the oddball in my family. Surrounded by a family of artists and musicians, I adore numbers, even though my Bachelor's degree is in Studio Art. I am asked again, "Do you use your undergraduate degree?" And I reply: I paint and draw all of the time, just no art for work.
Now art is part of work. More importantly, it's part of the job that I already love for other, unrelated reasons. I can't wait for the conference. There are very few social gatherings for which I can honestly say, "I can't wait!"
Be well, fellow Introverts.
Lately, however, the treat has doubled. I'm working on something to be published for the college, and that includes elements of number-crunchiness as well as design. I'm working in Illustrator and InDesign. I'm *supposed* to do it! It's my job. This seems like a total unreality to me, specifically because it means that I'm using both of my degrees at the same time.
The timing is excellent. In a few weeks, Romeyn and I are headed to the Student Leadership Conference dinner. Every year that I attend this function, I am asked about my undergraduate degree. Every year, I answer that I am the oddball in my family. Surrounded by a family of artists and musicians, I adore numbers, even though my Bachelor's degree is in Studio Art. I am asked again, "Do you use your undergraduate degree?" And I reply: I paint and draw all of the time, just no art for work.
Now art is part of work. More importantly, it's part of the job that I already love for other, unrelated reasons. I can't wait for the conference. There are very few social gatherings for which I can honestly say, "I can't wait!"
Be well, fellow Introverts.
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